Good Girl/Bad Girl

I’ve always had a difficult time fitting in, as it were, because I don’t really fit the stereotype of either the good girl or the bad girl. I have never smoked or taken any kind of drug, even though many people find this hard to believe, and I have absolutely no desire to do so. I do drink, but only very rarely in order to fit into social situations. I am also, and have always been, extremely monogamous. I’ve never “dated around,” “played the field,” or whatever else you want to call it. I’ve never flirted for fun, used my “sex appeal” on someone, or even checked out a movie star.

If you had asked me a few years ago, I would have said that I didn’t do these things because they were “wrong” and immoral. However, I’ve since realized the real reason is that I simply have not interest in doing them. My current view about things like drugs and casual sex is similar to how many feel about quilting or listening to country music: it may be somebody’s thing and that’s cool but I just find it boring and/or unappealing for myself.

But, despite these seemingly “prudish” qualities I have many traits that are not considered “proper” for females. Introduced to Heavy Metal at a very young age (3), I became enamored of the power, darkness, and violence it expresses. I copied the attire, stance, and aggression of “metal god” image, which resulted in a very in-your-face and masculineized persona. I would square off with people over every little thing, just to prove I had a stronger will than they did. I liked to imagine myself as a great warrior and, as such, I developed a fascination with metal blades. When left at home alone, I would take out kitchen knives or my brother’s samurai sword replicas and dance with them, twirling them around and stabbing at the air.

Although my friends expressed interest in guys at a much earlier age and which much greater frequency, I lost my virginity long before any of them and engaged in activities, like my budding interest in BDSM, that made them cringe if I made even the most oblique mention of them. My in-your-face masculine behavior, played a major part in my sexuality too. I dressed like a guy and didn’t bother to be alluring at all, but when I wanted someone, I can on strong. I came on like a guy. I would stalk up to the object of my desire, my thumbs through the belt loops of my jeans, look them straight in the face, and ask them to be with me. Needless to say, this didn’t work out very well but that never stopped me from doing it again. To me, dating became another contest of wills and I refused to bend. I would have no guy who refused to look full at my dark side without flinching.

But, despite my very male approach to approaching the objects of my affection, I also had a very female side to my sexuality, a side I carefully kept hidden for fear it would compromise the image I was demanding people accept. This side is that I loved clothing, especially the kind to make you stare. I also loved provocative and sensual movement. I started taking belly dance lessons at the age of fourteen, largely because I wanted an excuse to dance around in a revealing, sequined costume. I’ve been a glamour queen ever since my mom made my first Halloween costume. It was always one of my favorite holidays because I got to dress up (not because of the candy. Another way in which I’m a “good girl” is that I don’t eat junk food or fast food, but, like all the above, I don’t do it to be good but because I don’t want to since I think the food tastes really gross).

However, I do have one actual chip on my shoulder. I dislike the fact that society, at least the youth culture part, sanctions sexuality at all times. Women are expected to be “hot” even while working at their office job and little girls are undertaking this behavior at younger and younger ages. Becae as a prude and antuse I object to this, some people have labeled me anti-sexuality. This is very much not the case. In all (two) of my relationships, I was the one initiated the sexual activity.

Likewise, I go to my day job in flats and boxy pant suits, with my hair pulled back and no make-up, and I dressed the same as a student but substitute baggy t-shirt and jeans for boxy pant suit. But this does not mean I am ashamed of my body. I do pin-up modeling and burlesque/strip-tease. I love to strut it in my fetish wardrobe. My problem is not with sexiness. It is with it being an omnipresent, overwhelming part of all our lives. There is an appropriate time and place for everything. On stage or in the dungeon, I let my inner gorgeousness out and I love doing so.

So, in essence, I don’t want to be a “good girl” because it’s too restrictive for me. I want to be the angry exhibitionist that I was born to be. But its hard for me to be that because, when I refuse to be bad in the “right way” people decide that I’m too up-tight and relegate me back to being a prude. In case you haven’t guessed already, this whole double identity of mine is yet another thing that I now see as a battle of wills. You WILL accept me as I am, I command it, and I will fight tooth and nail until you do.