But is it Sexual?

I read a discussion on Max Fisch a few months ago debating whether BDSM is sexual or not. I don’t think it is possible to make a blanket pronouncement on the subject since each person will approach it from their own perspective and will want something different from it. And, yes, I take exception to the person who posted that anyone who claims it is not sexual is lying to themselves.

In addition to everyone being different, I think this a very tough judgment call to make because to make because it is not a black and white issue. For example, the thing I like the most about BDSM is the fact that it gives me a big adrenaline rush which produces a kind of “natural high” that I really enjoy. The adrenaline rush is not necessarily sexual in and of itself, but it is very easy to confuse with sexual feelings because they produce a similar chemical rush in the body. Further, the body itself often becomes confused so that, even if the adrenaline rush is produced by something completely non sexual, like riding a roller coaster or running a race, it can make it very likely for the body to become conventionally sexually aroused immediately afterwards. Since the two are so closely entwined, is enjoying the adrenaline rush a sexual thing or not?

For me personally, there are what I would consider sexual elements, in addition to the possibility of the adrenaline rush but, first of all, they are definitely not the most important part for me and, second, my sexuality expresses itself very differently that most people, so, what I consider sexual, others may not. Let’s examine the second point first. The plain truth is that, for me, sex is almost entirely cerebral and emotional, rather than physical. Strong signs of physical arousal or too much focus on “obvious” erogenous zones don’t do anything for me and I may even find them distasteful because, since, for most people, the physical aspect of sex is the most important, it is very easy for it to take over at the expense of the mental and emotional aspects that are important to me.

I feel the same way about the ultimate expression of physical sex, orgasm. It holds almost no interest for me, either for myself or someone else, unless it’s part of some titillating scenario I’ve thought up. Like my partner or I is some kind of aristocrat and the other is a servant in their household. The high born one catches the other doing something wrong, secretly sampling their fine wines, it doesn’t matter, and uses it to blackmail them for sexual favors. In this case, physical arousal is important because, if the blackmailing party doesn’t receive physical satisfaction, the other isn’t doing their job right.

But, for me, it is the scenario, not the physical stimulation that’s important. I almost always have some sort of mental story running in my head during sex. Since my partner isn’t into BDSM, these are not full on dominance fantasies, though they can include some hint of power play, like he’s young and innocent and I’m an older, more experience, woman who’s corrupting…er, initiating him into sexual activity, which is actually isn’t too far off from how we met.

But it doesn’t have to be about power. We could be a prince and princess from long ago in an arranged marriage. We’re complete strangers, put to bed together and expected to “do our duty” while the court waits expectantly out side. Or even something as simple as us being college kids again and we have to be quick and quite because my roommate is talking to her friends right on the other side of the door. The point is that it is the IDEA itself rather than any sexual activity that may result from which I derive my enjoyment.

There is also a physical element here in that savoring fine food, dressing up in fancy clothes, or receiving spa like pampering, can put me in the mood for sex or, at least, make me feel gorgeous and sexy. Again, there is a mental component. These activities give ma a feel or being gloriously decedent, but, in this case, the physical sensations are what stimulates the mental idea, rather than the other way around. Both the physical sensation of wearing my fetish attire, the feel of the whip in my hand, and the idea of me being desirable but unattainable, gives me a strong thrill.

Is this sexual? Well, I believe it is, but I am aware that some of you have other ideas. Because, none of this gives me an orgasm. Even during straight on vaginal intercourse, I usually don’t have one. But I don’t care as long as the mental game is satisfying, because that is the important part to me. However, there are some, like this pathetic excuse for a client I once had, who claims it’s not sexual unless an orgasm is involved. He had asked me about my sexuality, which is none of his fucking business in the first place and I had decided to throw him a bone and was describing the pleasure I got from feeling an exquisite truffle melt in my mouth. He actually had the effrontery to cut me off and ask me if this give me an orgasm, informing me that, if it didn’t, it couldn’t be sexual, only sensual. This kind of attitude is what causes me to often find orgasm distasteful in my sexual encounters, and in my sessions. So many view it as the ultimate gold standard of sex and in the process, completely disregard the things that are important to me.